A picture of a person looking back

looking back

By Shawkin Kabir ’21

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now reflecting
at the end of an era
my regrets
or are they regrets
will i know 
will they ever be

i wish 
i wish hadn’t put so much pressure on myself 
to do amazing
to be the best
to not fail

tears falling
and falling
over the fear of failure
a fear cutting through my performance
creating a 
self
fulfilling
prophecy
at least that’s what they said
i didn’t believe it then
now
looking back
i do
i do

now turning my head to see what led me here
i wish i understood
it wasn’t all
such a big deal
i wish i had tried
newer things
newer ideas
i wish that fear
of failure wasn’t there
it still hasn’t left
even if i do know better 

now looking down at the staircase 
of which i am at the top
now
i see devastation
tears
and sadness
frustration
and anger
i wish
i wish
i wish i could walk down these steps
i try
i try 
i try
my feet won’t move
anywhere but up
i beg someone to let me down these
godforsaken 
steps
but it won’t let me 
i’m sorry

i just wanted to tell them
it’s fine
it doesn’t feel so it the moment
but it is
please 
let me tell them
the Sky says no
i sit at the top in frustration

i go again to turn my head back
crane to see what else i can of the past
but suddenly 
looking back
i wish i wish

but

is there any point

is there any value to the i wish
or the looking back 
would it be the same person
at the top of the same steps here
thinking the same thoughts 
without this past

maybe
maybe it was worth it after all
the tears and frustration

maybe
looking back 
i don’t wish

maybe

looking back

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